||[Oct. 31st, 2009|11:07 pm]
My homeopathic cure malfunctioned!?
I was trying to cure my priapism so I went to my homeopath and he gave me his most powerful priapism cure.
Unfortunately he must have succussed it too much so the water remembered too far back! At some point this water must have been in contact with dinosaur genetalia because my priapism has now been replaced with triceratops cloaca! I have gone to my chiropractor, ingested thyme and lemon oil, had an ear candling, downed 18 Acai berry pills, and gotten 7 coffee colon cleansings but nothing is working!
I downed about a litre of apple cider vinegar and that just gave me diarrhea, and I couldn't find any medicinal herbs to treat that with so I was forced to eat all the fresh cilantro my wife was going to make dinner with tonight.
Are there any natural cures for a violently angry wife?
Please help, I will try anything at this point!
Hmmm...as a fully qualified professor of homeopathy (amongst my vast CV I can include a dusty book on the subject from 1895 and a framed certificate I printed off the 'net) I can easily diagnose the problem even though I've never met you.
Firstly, beware of false homeopaths! (I hope you didn't get this guy's details from a random website that anyone can contribute to?)
Secondly, it's clear that your elixir was diluted too much! I'm taking an educated (heh!) guess at maybe 1 part in 100 quadra tetra trillion trillion trillion? When it should have been 1 in 100 quadra tetra trillion trillion! It's an easy mistake to make, getting your figures out by a trillion, so don't be too harsh on him.
Thirdly, you haven't tried apple cider vinegar, had your chakras adjusted or tried distance reiki, never mind collidal silver, sticking needles in yourself or thrashed yourself with herbs.
If none of those work then it's time to break out the bad boy: Yep, smoky quartz crystal, held firmly against your forehead (after recharging in moonlight obviously!) If crystal healing can't help you then you're as good as dead.
At least you didn't give a couple of $$ to the Big Pharma monster eh? That'll show 'em!
The quartz aligned my chakras and I'm all better now.